Mail me. Go home.
Leave your resignation on your boss's voice mail or you'll never finish building the world's first uspide-down yacht. Your blind date will spontaneously combust, but you shouldn't date anyone younger than 5, anyway. Do not tell your best friend to tie his shoes, as he's tired of hearing it and gorillas don't wear shoes in the first place. Just give him a nice banana.
You are a whiner and no one wants to deal with you today. Your dog signs up for driving lessons, forging your signature on the "legal guardian if under 18" line. The woman next door has been admiring your cutlery for long enough, so give it to her. Buy a house for your goldfish.
No minor setbacks can stop you if you plagiarise dead authors that no one reads. When you are done changing your socks, you will pass out. This is a good day for inbreeding and selling the offspring. You find out your best friend is actually a runaway from Madame Tussaud's.
Today, you will be fed. A co-worker performs the first Bic- Paper Clip heart transplant. Your wife will lose a limb, but it had a bruise anyway. In the process of having it stuffed and mounted, you discover it is the limb you lost in the circus incident three years ago.
You have sex with the bus driver, who then pays you five hundred dollars and leaves you at the wrong stop. Buy everything the salesman offers you. You win at your poker game because all your friends have turned into knitting needles and you look at their cards. Have you considered a career selling sand?
You are a slow learner. Today you will master the doorknob. Time to add a door to your house. Run from boa constrictors. Don't let them strap you in tonight. You give a friend money to watch him clip his toenails.
Sign up for the Carmen Miranda makeover. People are afraid to tell you they dislike your work and hate you. You learn to imitate lead boxes. Make brave decisions, because you'll do whatever we tell you.
Your diatonic corn crop sprouts. Buy all the lottery tickets at the grocery store. Drive on the wrong side of the road. Don't look before crossing the interstate. You and your spouse discover you both sleep in the same bed, and have for years.
Do not bet on the brown horse. Remember what they told you last night. You enjoy washing your feet and getting hit by buses. Use an underhand lob for moving everything today. Befriend the head of the CIA.
Chase the nearest football team across a parking lot and they will give you a new car. Build a better mousetrap out of macaroni and a stick of sugarless gum. Teach your child how to groom an elephant. A friend will give you money to watch you clip your toenails.
Eating mud does not break your diet's rules. Everyone you love will bring you a kitten to sell. Tell the couple on the park swing that roller blades make an excellent stew.
Everyone is after your tangerines, so protect them with force if necessary. At 2:20 P.M., say hello to a woman carrying a tray. Polish all the mirrors you can find. Speak only in Latin.
3rd of May birthdays: Remember, the new money has stars all over it, so don't fall for counterfeits. Accept everything offered to you at work, and you will get a raise. Buy a trampoline for a date in June. You have a magnet fetish and will find them in tall, dark Dutch men and shell fish. Your fingers will turn to iron in July, and you will eat many puddings. Stand on a calendar in August and you will be able to see over the bars.