Robin Parkinson
"Robin Parkinson seems to be sitting to one side of reality, sniggering and taking notes."-- Anonymous

Robin Parkinson is technically my editor, but I still file him under "people." I've often had it pointed out to me that I'm too kind. And anyone who has ever worked with Robin would agree that the word "people" is a bit generous. However, sometimes he's not working. Besides just being broken, this is...

If you have never had a wander through the website known only as Trout-- a name spoken in hushed tones wherever the sane cower in dark corners of a pub, quivering in mortal terror at the gibbers and text-messages of the damned and insane at the next table-- I would like to take this opportunity to be personally offended because I write for it. And if you don't think it's the antelope's ankles, then you should. But more on Trout here. Much more.

Robin has over his many, many years, built up a few titles for himself, as befits the shady character he is. He is known variously to his trembling team of contributors (whom he rules with a rightly-feared Rod of Putty), in varying degrees of truthfulness, as Robin the Unsearchable, Robin the Insomniac, Robin the 30%, Robin the Easily Embarrassed, Robin the Uneasily Embarrassed, Robin Oakenspork: the Amazing Colossal Dwarf, Robin the Unbugged, Robin-the-Opposable-Ananchronowolosaurus, Robin The Embarrassable Anachronosaurus, Robinsaurus: Without feathers, Robin the Pretend Editor, Squirrel-Features, Robin the Unadventurous, Robin the Addictive Substance, Robin the Green and Stony, and Robin the Sulky. Then for a brief egotistical time he promoted himself to Deity and was known as "God `you self-pitying bastard' Parkinson". It takes a long career in crime circles to rack up a slew of pseudonyms that long, and researchers at Quantico report more every day.

But for a brief moment, let us pretend there is a good side to even the worst among us. Having done a stint as God (in which he complained about the hours, the pay, and the lack of a complaints department), he has been known to have more philosophical moments. When the top job didn't work out he turned his interests to another post: Saint Robin of the Sporks....with opposable purrbox. This is of course a highly-specialised position, earned for his invention of the switchspork. While carrying out his sporkly saint duties he can be recognized by the seven-foot crook carved of oak with a-- don't get ahead-- spork on the end.

Other religious obligations have proved a bit troublesome for Robin. I shall let him describe the difficulties himself:

In the wilds of Minnesota, we discovered a primitive tribe of newsreaders. A tribe so primitive they have developed a strange "cargo cult" around the mythical personality of R'b'n. His bearded, rotund, almost Buddha-like figure, carved from elm and decorated with ba-shells, can be seen in every household...

Then there were the problems at the fundraiser for his Buddha-Robin cult:
'Lot 23. A single wardrobe. Acacia Wood with bronze fittings. One careful owner: achieved enlightenment so he didn't need it any more. What am I bid? Was that a bid, or were you trying to clap with one hand, sir?' I am just wondering if it would be denying your own Buddha-nature to actually bid in a Zen auction:

Lot three: one haiku
Is it sold? Who knows its state?
Reserve price is "mu".

Simes "Simon" Brown
Simes is surreal, and the coolest. Some people think he has faults. I have made a long study of this, and my conclusion is that yes, he is indeed human. He's one of my oldest friends, and he allows me to disagree with him without getting mad at me for it. This is a big reason he's still my friend. He is also a great deal more honest than the average person, which also helps.

Simes also contributes large amounts with great regularity to my quote file. He has been known, on occasion, to contribute to his own website as well. Currently I do not see him often enough, and this is Spain's fault, just now.